On bikini shopping and hating yourself.

There is nothing like a little self-deprecation to really kick start a workout...

Today I did the unthinkable...I went into a florescent coffin/change room and decided that I would try on a bathing suit for my upcoming trip to the Bahamas.

So I started this epic failure of a journey at Sears. Which by itself is the epitome of eternal sadness.

Once in the change room, I slipped on these adorable 1950s style Jantzen bikini bottoms. They got over my hips which was my first concern and I looked in the three way mirror or horror and thought.

"Oh my fucking god...what IS THAT ON MY THIGHs!?!"

It was obvious to me that not having a full length mirror in my house for quite sometime perhaps was not the best method of cellulite prevention. I couldn't help mumble out loud "cottage cheese thighs..."

I quickly took those bikini bottoms off and didn't even bother trying on the top. That was enough time in the fun house mirror room for one evening.

I practically threw the bathing suit at the change room Sears lady and then regretted taking my anger out on her right afterwards. It wasn't her fault that I shamefully polished off a a giant serving of Phad Thai last weekend.

I decided that I needed to take a walk to clear my head, so I slowly climbed the escalator to the overwhelming perfume section and made my way out to the glistening lights of the mall.

I started to think really hard about what had just happened. Not about the bathing suit but about what I had just done to myself. Why was I such a horrible, hateful bitch to myself in that change room? Why did I become every single girl in elementary/high school that ever made me feel like I was less of a person for wanting to go swimming at a public pool. As if the moments of being called a "whale" and a "fat ass" weren't enough for all of those years...at 24 years old, I made myself feel like a complete worthless piece of shit.

This is not acceptable. Ever.

My current body.

In grade 11 I did a sociology paper and interviewed a Toronto dominatrix. She told me that the best way to gain confidence is to take 5 minutes every day in a full length mirror and compliment yourself. Tell yourself out loud how beautiful you are, how nice your eyes are, how perky your tits are, whatever you want. Even if you don't feel like you mean what you're saying, do it everyday.  So I started doing that at 16 years old, then I found Burlesque and that was another way that I felt beautiful and then I stopped doing Burlesque. After I stopped performing, I gained 15 pounds and at some point decided maybe I should start hating myself again. I'm not sure why I let my confidence slip away so quickly. I could probably blame a series of people but to be honest the most cruel person ever to me, was myself. Nobody has ever been as hateful to me.

It seems like no matter what, us as women want to achieve the unattainable. That's not to say that you can't lose 40 pounds, what I'm saying is that once that 40 pounds is gone I can bet that you'll find something else wrong. Maybe you'll need to whiten your teeth, get a boob job, get hair extensions, bleach your hair so you look more like a Barbie, dye your hair black so you look more exotic like Kim Kardashian. Whatever we do to fix these "imperfections"..I feel like we're always going to want more. Has it ever occurred to us that maybe more isn't always better.


I came home from this with a new perspective. I am going to try to do whats right for me and try to love myself completely. The first step to loving myself was to put on my sports bra and work it out to Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.  Not because I want to look a certain way or be a certain person but because I want the best for myself.



xo Breton