I eat because I can't stop.

Hi there..
Long time no talk. I hope you're well.

I currently can barely do up my pants, it's uncomfortable to sleep on my side and sometimes when the escalator is broken I take the elevator instead of the stairs.

What has happened to me?

I have gone back to being a food addict and it's embarrassing. I went through a fun period where I thought "fuck your beauty standards, i love me for me" which was super great and everything but then I also said to myself "fuck it, im eating the massive serving of fried noodles, cupcake(s) and latte and nobody can stop me." *unzips pants*

This isn't loving me for me.

Loving yourself means that you don't eat 1200 calories in one sitting. Loving your body and curves means taking a 20 minute walk/jog after or before work instead of watching 8 episodes of breaking bad while downing a bottle of wine.Loving yourself means having enough respect for your body not to eat 4000mg of sodium in one horrible boxed meal.

So where do I stand, what do I do? I keep failing and it's really hard. I haven't been on a scale in over 5 months and I'm too scared right now to invest in one.

I really have no answers and I'm pretty much lost right now. Somethings gotta give...and I'm hoping it's not the buttons on my pants..


xo Breton

Stop fat shaming brides.

Do you know what I'm tired of as a bride-to-be? More than writing invitations, dealing with overpriced jacked up vendors, family dramas, seating charts, more than ALL of that?

The constant reminder that I am too fat to be a beautiful bride.

I am not going to sugar coat this, I am pissed off. I am SO tired of being reminded that in order to be good enough I need to be a certain size. I am tired of wedding dresses being sized too small so that when you're a size 8, your wedding dress is a size 12. I am tired of the bridal industry and the dieting industry partnering up to badger vulnerable brides into thinking that they can never be perfect enough for their big day.

Without naming who, I have several people close to me reminding that maybe I should opt for salad instead of pasta since "I have a wedding coming up soon".

I am 5'7, I am 165 pounds. This is the largest I have ever been and obviously I don't feel great about it. I have pressure from everywhere to lose weight. If I fail, I will apparently regret it forever. Don't you know that you only get one wedding and therefore only one day to look perfect? Don't you know that the camera adds 10 pounds?

I am just really tired of the fat-shaming. When I tried on my wedding dress the lady at the store told me "I just need a good pair of spanx"... Last time I tried my dress on in front of someone they said "you just need to lose 5 pounds."

This shit is constantly being advertised to me all over the internet...every day.

It is disgusting and it needs to stop. I know perfect is a a made up myth from he media. I know that the brides in magazines are airbrushed and it's an unrealistic goal to look like a mannequin in a dress. I am too smart and I respect myself too much to let this control how I feel about myself.

I'm just over it.

xo Breton

Just ride.

I finally did it... I biked to work for the first time in over two years.

I used to be a semi-hardcore cyclist. I would even bike in the winter and rain without complaining about it. Since I don't have a drivers license or car I found that my bike was liberating and made me feel independent. I could get where I needed to go without relying on anyone else but my legs. I would work crazy 12 hour shifts in a night club and then bike home at 2am, no fear at all. Since then... I have become a bit of a wussy.

My fiancee and I went to the USA on the weekend to pick up some lanterns for our wedding and I also stopped by Target and bought a Schwinn Hybrid Cruiser. This is my first non-vintage bike in like 12 years and she rides well. (Also weighs about half of what a vintage cruiser weighs which is nice!)

Today's ride was fairly short (8km (25 minutes in traffic)) and it still really put my body to the test. The ride was mostly downhill with a few very steep uphill climbs. I found that to be the hardest challenge and at one point had to stop to catch my breath. At one hill I thought I would pass out or throw up but I pushed myself to keep going. Definitely felt the burn on my thighs and calves.



I felt a bit like a noob with all these seasoned cyclist passing me. You know the ones with the clip on shoes and fancy bikes. If anything that brought out my competitive side to keep pedaling and go faster.

The ride home is going to be an even bigger challenge since it is 90% uphill riding. I think I may mentally be psyching myself out more than it being a physical challenge.

My favorite part about biking is that you can only become better at it. It's really exciting to see what my body is really capable of and knowing that I won't be in the same place in a week as I am today.
 


 xoxo Breton

Falling off the wagon...

...and then not getting back on.

I've been chunky on and off for my whole life. I remember being twelve or thirteen years old and weighing myself at 155 pounds. My weight has always plagued me. I have been on more crash diets than I can count and have always thought that maybe life would be better if only I was skinny. 

Well fuck that shit. 

I've definitely worked hard and then kind of just stopped working hard over the last two months. But I don't want to view this as a failure. Sometimes life happens and sometimes I don't want to wake up and go to the gym or starve myself on quinoa salads. Sometimes I really want a bagel. Sometimes I am tired as hell from working 11 hour days and would rather watch Gypsy Sisters and cuddle with my dog.

Life is fabulous at size 12. Even more fabulous than it was when I was a very tight size 6.

Here I am last week in Cancun, Mexico. Curvy and feeling great.

Truth: Your happiness has nothing to do with your dress size.

Other than my love of fried food, I think my other healthy living demotivation is the constant possibility of "failure."  It sucks how we are constantly judged by ourselves and others for getting a soy no whip mocha frappucino if we're trying to eat well. We set ourselves up to fail  by completely prohibiting indulgences and then being horrible to ourselves if we cave once in while...or in my case for two entire months of binge eating bad food.

Why do we measure or success and failure by how long we can hang on to a goal? Who says that our goals need to be achieved right this minute? Most good things take time to achieve and are never without challenges. We need to learn that failure is OK and a part of the process. It's a long and bumpy road to any worthwhile goal and sometimes it's ok to pull over to take a break or even re-think your direction.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Winston Churchill 

To get back on track I am going to purchase a new bike this weekend and cycle to work whenever the weather corporates with me. There was a time when I used to cycle to work and home every day and not only did I look great and have killer legs...I also felt amazing. My fiancee also just bought a bike and I can't wait to hit some trails with him. The cherry blossoms are still out in Toronto and the lilacs are just blooming. 


xo Breton

Going Vegan.

It occurred to me that I never told you my Vegan story and my blog is called "Fat Vegan Bride".*  Oops!

I went Vegan on May 20th,  2006 after being vegetarian since 2002. So in total I haven't eaten any animal's dead carcass in 11 years. Go me!

It wasn't always this way my devoted blog readers (I think I have one follower)...

                                                              Me at 16. Proud moment.


I grew up the way any typical scottish-canadian-nova scotianish girl would. Steak, potatoes, spare ribs, fish sticks and Mr Noodles..I don't think I even tried broccoli until I was 17 and moved out on my own. Our house rarely had any fruits or vegetables. I tried brussels sprouts for the first time last month.

It's not that we were sheltered or unloved but it wasn't the age of the internet or Oprah going Vegan. Dr. Oz wasn't in my mom's living room to tell her that she was poisoning her children. We wanted a cheeseburger? Damn right we got one.

Initially I had become a vegetarian due to a very unpleasant experience with a chicken wing or perhaps it was to rebel against my family's conventional ways. I was a fairly hormonal thirteen year old. This was also the same year I started working at Burger King, which definitely isn't a highlight of my life. I remember greasy burger after greasy burger and not being able to wash the grime off no matter how many showers I took.

I wasn't a "ethical" vegetarian at all. I had no problem downing an extra-large milkshake or eating a triple cheese pizza. My BFF Matt and I used to go to Pizza Hut and max out our stomach capacity at the all you can eat lunch buffet. Occasionally this led to (almost) barfing in the parking lot.

                                                   This is Matt at the Pizza Hut buffet


Other than my dogs, I can't say I really cared that much about animals. I never once even thought about where food came from and how it got to my plate.

At 16 I started doing a co-op at an alternative clothing store and the owner was this sweetest little goth girl named Tara. She had been vegan for like 100 years and I thought she was just the coolest person. Tara and I became friends and she invited me to come with her to Farm Sanctuary in upstate New York during the May long weekend. *Fun fact - Tara is now my maid of honor and my female best friend.

                                                  16 at co-op with my new girl BFF Tara.
                                                          We still really love french fries.


Farm Sanctuary was both a bittersweet experience. I met the sweetest animals that also happened to be missing limbs, ears and beaks. The saddest part was that they didn't seem to hate humans despite all the horrible things we did to them. I also met "Zoop" who was a goat with three legs (the fourth froze off because he was left in a shed in the middle of January), I don't know why I loved that goat so much but he made me cry my eyes out in the middle of a field.

I just couldn't do it anymore. I quit eating all animal products, it was that simple for me. I didn't care about how good the cheese crust stuffed pizza was or how much I enjoyed a glass of cold chocolate milk. My taste-buds were no longer more valid than an animals life. And don't be fooled people, the milk/egg industry is the same industry as where meat comes from.

I often get asked if I miss meat. I think it would be a lie if I said "No, never gross!". I do think meat is definitely revolting when I realize that it's literally a chunk of flesh...but I did/do love the taste. I dedicate at least 75% of my cooking to try to emulate meat and dairy because I miss the taste. There is no disputing that ice cream is delicious and cheddar cheese was the shit but there are SO many vegan alternatives out there now. Which is awesome (and also not awesome for my thighs and ass).

So there you go, my one follower, you can go Vegan too! If I can do it, I promise that anyone can.



xo Breton

*Just a heads up, I don't think I'm "fat". I just like the shock value of the name and it's sort of humorous to me in a self-deprecating kind of way.


And just for fun...a photo of me when I was 17 and just getting into the pin-up look.

Today for lunch I ate my feelings...

They tasted salty and greasy and a tiny bit sad.

I decided today that instead of being a grown up and trying to get over my feelings I would just go order some deep fried noodles and tofu at my favorite Chinese fast food place. Because let's face it, it's way easier to devour a thousand calorie lunch than it is to actually face real life problems!

I'm fairly certain that I'm not the only person that does this.

I'm not saying my life is bad or anything... I am just stressing a little bit at work because I'm covering a maternity leave contract and I'm not certain where I'll end up in July. It's also my brother Johnny's birthday today, he passed away when he was 9 from Cancer. I also have my period and my wedding invitation samples suck.

So I guess I'm just a bit down today, a little stressed and a little bit feeling like "fuck it, I don't care if I die of heart disease! give me all the MSG! pass me the sweet and sour sauce so I can rub it all over my face and mouth..."

Which is silly really because I know that MSG (Monosodium glutamate) is an excitotoxin and I'm very careful to avoid things like this. I probably spend two hours at the grocery store because I'm ingredient obsessed and try to avoid all toxins and preservatives in my food. 90% of the time I even make my sauces from scratch because the bottled stuff scares me.

I can't help but wonder if by eating like shit during these bouts of depression - is it me subconsciously punishing myself? Can eating a massive portion of chemicals and fried food really make us feel any better?

I wish I could finish this blog entry with something positive to say or some solution to this "eating our emotions" problem. But I really don't know how to fix it. I know right now my stomach feels pretty bad and filled with garbage and tonight I'm going to have to do at least double the exercise. That sucks. It also definitely didn't make me feel any better.

xo Breton



Ps. If you're interested in finding out what the top 10 food additives to avoid are download this PDF:
http://www.hungryforchange.tv/images/Food-Matters-Top-10-Food-Additives-To-Avoid-Printable-Shopping-Guide-2012.pdf

On bikini shopping and getting my confidence back.

I had a huge Facebook response last week on my post "bikini shopping and hating yourself" http://fatveganbride.blogspot.ca/2013/02/on-bikini-shopping-and-hating-yourself.html

So thank you to those who read and even were inspired by that post, I didn't event know anyone read my blog :)

So a bit of an update from last week. I started doing Jillian Michaels' 30 day Shred on Friday and as much of an awful bitch as she is, I find it oddly motivating. It's like surviving getting the shit kicked out of you repeatedly. I've been careful about what I'm eating but also not completely depriving myself either. I even *gasp* had a piece of vegan almond chocolate cake on Sunday and it was glorious.

So I've been feeling good and basically making an effort not to be a self-deprecating asshole. It's funny when you become very hyper-aware of a behaviour and start to realize just how much you've been doing it.
 
So tonight I decided to give bikini shopping another shot. Did you know that science has proven that bathing shopping actually causes depression in women. Pretty groundbreaking right?....

I went in to today's bikini shopping adventure with a positive attitude and red lipstick. I feel that these two things were keys to my success.

I started at Sears. Why? I don't know other than that it's right outside of my office.  I started there with a one piece called Slim Trim or something equally irritating. Am I the only one that doesn't want to wear a bathing suit that is called Slim Trim? It's like validating that I need to wear Spanx in order to be beach acceptable. Regardless, the one piece was actually pretty nice, it had a nice pinup feel to it. On the flipside it also felt like I had a thousand waist cinching bands cutting off my stomach circulation. This purple tensor bandage was also $115, so this was a no go.

I still felt good though, I kept positive and continued my journey to Victoria's Secret.

If you have ever been to Victoria's Secret, it's basically the mecca of places to feel bad about yourself. The models are plastered everywhere and are basically the size of my right thigh but with giant tits and a perfect Jennifer Lopez ass. They are also somehow latin with blonde hair and massive blue eyes. Who has these genetics?

So I quickly sifted around the bathing suit section, I saw it peeking out from an ocean of neon spandex. The perfect bikini. 

I admit that I had my doubts before trying it on but I tried to stay positive. I mentally told myself how good powder blue looks on my skin tone and how this bikini would look awesome with my massive white straw hat.

Into the change room I went. I just need to pause for a moment and discuss how much I love the Victoria's Secret change rooms and how the other stores should take some pointers. Sears I'm looking at you! They are these adorable pink cubicles with flattering lighting, and on the mirror (which is probably slimming) it says "Life is FABULOUS".

So here is how I looked:

Obviously you can see by my impromptu Victoria's Secret change room photoshoot. I LOVE THIS BIKINI. And more than the bikini I love how I look in the bikini. I think I look fucking fabulous and just as good as the model in the Victoria's Secret ad (above).

Despite all that you have been taught, feeling good about yourself does not come from diet and exercise.  It comes from within yourself. You can lose all the weight in the world and still feel worthless if you can't take a minute and appreciate who you are.

I am not saying that I have it all together and that I don't sometimes have mini breakdowns when I see my gut when I go pee. I'm saying that as women we need try our best to pull ourselves together and realize that regardless of size, we can be perfectly fine as we are. The number on our scales do not define who we are or what we are capable of.

It's really okay to sometimes have that piece of chocolate cake.

xo Breton

Healthy Vegan Pizza - it's true!!

Time for a lighter post!

My Fiancee loves junk food and is also trying to shed some pounds. As you all know, eating like shit usually is counterproductive for losing weight.

Fridays can be bad for us and eating. Typically when I get home from work late I am useless from a long week at work. I don't usually have much desire to whip out my Chef Boyarvegan skillz.

So I thought that I would find some simple recipes that would combat both my lethargy/lazyness and my fiancees love for all things cheesey/saucey/fake meat.

Enter the High Protein Tortilla Pizza from Ohsheglows.com and Spicy Buffalo Cauliflower 'Wings' from PETA.

so good!!

Spicy Buffalo Cauliflower 'Wings' from PETA.
Cauliflower Chicken Wings:
http://www.peta.org/living/vegetarian-living/spicy-buffalo-cauliflower-wings.aspx

High Protein Tortilla Pizza from OhSheGlows
http://ohsheglows.com/2011/08/19/high-protein-tortilla-pizzas/


Highly recommend this, makes a perfect weekend meal!

xo Breton

On bikini shopping and hating yourself.

There is nothing like a little self-deprecation to really kick start a workout...

Today I did the unthinkable...I went into a florescent coffin/change room and decided that I would try on a bathing suit for my upcoming trip to the Bahamas.

So I started this epic failure of a journey at Sears. Which by itself is the epitome of eternal sadness.

Once in the change room, I slipped on these adorable 1950s style Jantzen bikini bottoms. They got over my hips which was my first concern and I looked in the three way mirror or horror and thought.

"Oh my fucking god...what IS THAT ON MY THIGHs!?!"

It was obvious to me that not having a full length mirror in my house for quite sometime perhaps was not the best method of cellulite prevention. I couldn't help mumble out loud "cottage cheese thighs..."

I quickly took those bikini bottoms off and didn't even bother trying on the top. That was enough time in the fun house mirror room for one evening.

I practically threw the bathing suit at the change room Sears lady and then regretted taking my anger out on her right afterwards. It wasn't her fault that I shamefully polished off a a giant serving of Phad Thai last weekend.

I decided that I needed to take a walk to clear my head, so I slowly climbed the escalator to the overwhelming perfume section and made my way out to the glistening lights of the mall.

I started to think really hard about what had just happened. Not about the bathing suit but about what I had just done to myself. Why was I such a horrible, hateful bitch to myself in that change room? Why did I become every single girl in elementary/high school that ever made me feel like I was less of a person for wanting to go swimming at a public pool. As if the moments of being called a "whale" and a "fat ass" weren't enough for all of those years...at 24 years old, I made myself feel like a complete worthless piece of shit.

This is not acceptable. Ever.

My current body.

In grade 11 I did a sociology paper and interviewed a Toronto dominatrix. She told me that the best way to gain confidence is to take 5 minutes every day in a full length mirror and compliment yourself. Tell yourself out loud how beautiful you are, how nice your eyes are, how perky your tits are, whatever you want. Even if you don't feel like you mean what you're saying, do it everyday.  So I started doing that at 16 years old, then I found Burlesque and that was another way that I felt beautiful and then I stopped doing Burlesque. After I stopped performing, I gained 15 pounds and at some point decided maybe I should start hating myself again. I'm not sure why I let my confidence slip away so quickly. I could probably blame a series of people but to be honest the most cruel person ever to me, was myself. Nobody has ever been as hateful to me.

It seems like no matter what, us as women want to achieve the unattainable. That's not to say that you can't lose 40 pounds, what I'm saying is that once that 40 pounds is gone I can bet that you'll find something else wrong. Maybe you'll need to whiten your teeth, get a boob job, get hair extensions, bleach your hair so you look more like a Barbie, dye your hair black so you look more exotic like Kim Kardashian. Whatever we do to fix these "imperfections"..I feel like we're always going to want more. Has it ever occurred to us that maybe more isn't always better.


I came home from this with a new perspective. I am going to try to do whats right for me and try to love myself completely. The first step to loving myself was to put on my sports bra and work it out to Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.  Not because I want to look a certain way or be a certain person but because I want the best for myself.



xo Breton

Food porn + Jillian Michaels 30 day shred

This week has been off to a great start except for one MAJOR setback. My gym membership at Goodlife got cancelled. One very sore and pathetic day in December I asked our health department how I could cancel my membership....I guess this means that I asked her to outright cancel it. Anyways, they can't reinstate my membership until March 15th so I'm basically gym-less for over a month. It's like the Gods of skinny are working against me here.

I did potentially find a solution....

Jillian Michaels 30 day shred! I was googling/amazon-ing this DVD and the reviews are insane. The before and after picture are truly inspiring. Some people dropped around 15 pounds in one month. Jillian also has a meal plan but it's not very vegan...Sirloin steak anyone? I did some more research and basically she is working on a foundation of a low carb, high protien 1200-1300 cal daily diet. Already doing that.

So I'm going to pick up this DVD at Walmart today and give it a go... My neighbors are going to hate me.
Apparently this DVD destroys you and your ability to walk but I will also try to get some yoga mixed in throughout the month if I physically can. I will measure in and post some before photos tomorrow.

This has been a really great week for food. I've been very strict with my diet and following my meal plan. As I expected, Ohsheglows.com has proved to be an amazing resource.

Some highlights...

Spaghetti Squash Pasta with creamy avocado sauce.

Recipe credit: http://ohsheglows.com/2012/09/28/creamy-avocado-spaghetti-squash-pasta-how-to-roast-spaghetti-squash/

Roasted Butternut Squash with Kale and Almond Pecan Parmesan. My extra protein was Gardein Chiptole Lime Chicken Strips (careful these are high in sodium & carbs...however they do have 21g of protien in 3 strips)

Recipe credit: http://ohsheglows.com/2012/09/24/roasted-butternut-squash-with-kale-and-almond-pecan-parmesan/

xo Breton

 

I'm back!

I have been slacking on this blog and to be honest I kind of totally forgot about it.

On the flip side, I have not been slacking on my diet and fitness. I definitely had a major falling out between my last update and Christmas and got up to my heaviest at around 172. I also bought a different wedding dress that actually fits me ...so I guess I was lacking in motivation for a while.

As of January I jointed Hourglass Workout (www.hourglassworkout.com) and lost a couple of inches and about 8 pounds in 5 weeks. Unfortunately due to this ridiculous overpriced wedding that we're planning I couldn't continue with Hourglass Workout in February because of the $200/monthly fee. *sigh*.

I'm so glad I did Hourglass workout in January because I saw results and also learned a few crazy cross fit circuits. I did it for the first time on my own on Saturday and I can't walk today. I will post a few of the exercises this week. It is seriously so hard and I feel like I looked like a crazy person at the gym.

Or because I looked this like....

I recently discovered the most amazing vegan healthy recipe site. OHSHEGLOWS.com is seriously the best thing ever. I am experimenting with a ton of their recipes this week and will post on it. I really like how the chef Angela Liddon takes food that would typically make you into a giant fat ass and cuts out the sugar, oils, and all of the bad stuff so it's edible and healthy. I am definitely not a quinoa bowl kind of girl.

 I didn't take any photos from Jan 1st but I do have a progress picture from after I lost 5 pounds. I'm feeling pretty good about it.

I also just booked a trip to the Bahamas for my dads 50th birthday. We depart March 27th...Ive set a personal goal for myself to get down to 149lbs before then.

xo Breton